breaking point

at this moment in time, i feel sick and tired of work. i'm using more emotional words than i usually do and i want to take them back or qualify them but i'm just too tired. i've been working too many evenings this month. this month is an anomaly but if i'm remembering right, every few months i get stressed about work and a little overwhelmed. why do i dream so often of a life where i sleep in? sigh. i could probably manage my time better (say no more, prioritize better, procrastinate less), i could probably manage my anxiety better and be more grateful (gosh definitely). i think some people possibly started off with a higher level of organization in life than me, which helps them handle work better. i know i should talk to my manager about my workload, and i have been at least lightly (why is that so hard). but i'm not sure if it's the job or it's me.

i feel a little trapped. i worked hard to get the PM job i have now because i wasn't fully happy with my software engineering job - it felt very solo and isolating given WFH, i often felt stress over not getting work done there too. sigh, it's me, i'm the problem. it's so hard to find a new job. but it's even harder to change myself. i like my work now a lot more, so much more, but every few months there's just too much of it for me. is the problem the nature of work itself? should i just quit and FIRE? ...with my burn rate? also the grass is always greener on the other side. during my gap year i know i had not fun days, and i had crises about where my life was going. is the problem just that i am human and to be human is to have problems and get knocked up a bit?

no, i find it hard to admit to myself when something is not working but i think something is not working here. i am reaching far too often for meditation and CBT. i have thoughts like "i should just meditate for 2h a day and my problems will be fixed" or "if i just journal every trigger and figure out what my distorted thought patterns are i'll be OK". but why do i need to resort so often to meditation and mental gymnastics to feel that everything is alright and life is good?

This is true mindfulness. Not continuing our daily meditation streak so we can calmly answer emails. But designing a life where we can Be Here Now. Where we can play in the sand, enjoy the surf, and not feel that we might be wasting some finite resource that must desperately be conserved.

- Nat Eliason

this is embarrassing af to post. there's probably a lot of thinking that doesn't serve me too well documented here but what can i do. i feel flawed.

but i'm still glad to get this off my chest (and onto the internet lol). to fake it a bit and put on my optimism hat, i know i can get myself into a better situation for me, and i'm going to work towards that, one step at a time. it might still involve meditation and therapy, it might be procrastinating less and talking to my manager more about my responsibilities and prioritizing them (saying no), it might be quitting and moving to Mexico. we will see.

for anyone who reads this, I am OK I was just ranting. don't worry too much