I feel terrible

I’m having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

OK, I have no idea what that children’s book is exactly about, but that phrase fits my mood. I feel so lazy, ugly, unlovable.

What makes me angry is that I know that nothing actually happened today to make me feel this way. Like, what bothered me today was the mundane. The power going out. Some back/neck pain. Having to pick up my brother.

In a better mood, I would block these out, and probably laugh em off.

But for some reason, these mundane things led to a super shitty thought spiral where I just felt bad about everything. The larger things in my life, though if I know everything there is fine.

There’s some paradox Mark Manson describes in his book, where you feel bad that you feel bad, which leads to an endless loop. Me rn.

I know there are highs and lows in life. That’s been one of my mantras in my life. I know these lows happen, and I’ve weathered them so many times. But the thing is, I kinda got proud about having very few lows lately.

I also got a rep for being chiller and calmer these recent years. I also thought I was too old to have a bad day like this. I’ve gone through too much growth for this shit, I thought. Basically, I have some ego around this. I’m too cool to feel bad, my mind thinks.

But no, lows aren’t something you outgrow. Just a fact of life. They stay around.

I used to try to analyze why I was feeling this way. Would turn into full out existential crisis type thing. Maybe there was a larger reason I was feeling down, I’d ask myself.

But no there isn’t. And that is a terrible rabbit hole to go down. To think about life and career in a mood where you see everything as negative. Is that where you’ll find an answer? There’s no answer. Nothing to be understood. Trying to sort through it just leads to bad vibes.

When you’re in a place like this, I’ve previously told myself, diagnose yourself as if you’re a baby. Ask, have you slept enough? Eaten enough, drank enough water? Had too much or not enough social interaction?

I seem to be OK on those fronts today. But maybe I’m missing some micronutrient that’s making me feel off. I haven’t been supplementing with B12 since I went vegetarian… is that it?!? Also defs not enough Vitamin D. Take me back to SD sunshine :’(

The move probably is to do something escapist. Which sounds bad, I seriously think it’s the move. But problem is, I suck at entertaining myself since college. In college, you’re surrounded by people all the time, so you don’t need to be able to entertain yourself.

I can always watch TV. But then I don’t let myself, since I feel like it’s not productive. I could read or listen to music, but I don’t feel like it.

I did try listening to some happy music a few hours ago. I also tried skipping, and smiling in the mirror for at least five seconds. All tactics from Awaken the Giant Within. It got me happy for at least 20 minutes. But then the mood returned.

Fuck man.

I also feel bad, because in college, when I was irritable, I could hide in my room and not harm anyone with my bad vibes. Now, I’m living with family, and I don’t want it to, but my bad vibes show.

Sigh.

I should probably meditate or something, but I can’t get myself to. I wanna keep feeling bad for some reason, which is so stupid.

Highkey, I need to hang out with friends more, more social interaction, that might be it

Something I’m grateful for is sleep. Supposedly sleep is an overnight therapist. It dulls emotions of past memories so you feel better in the morning. So should be good tmw due to that, hopefully.

Life doesn’t make any sense sometimes. Sigh. Oh no boutta get existential lemme go watch Netflix to distract myself