my #1 tip to improve your rizz

I got better at listening in the last year and I have a tip: Keep the focus on the speaker.

It sounds easy, but it isn't. Here's why.

We're all a little narcissistic

We are all a little narcissistic and have a tendency to shift the conversation towards ourselves. For example, if a friend shares that they're overwhelmed with work, we tend to sympathize by sharing our experience of overwhelm with work.

Shift response:

Friend: I'm overwhelmed with work.
You: I've been there. That was me last month. It'll get better!

However, what's most helpful is to keep the focus on your friend:

Support response:

Friend: I'm overwhelmed with work.
You: Oh gosh, really? What's going on with work right now?

You can keep the focus on your friend by asking them a question, or just say the magic words, tell me more about that.

Psychologists distinguish between these two types of responses:

• Support responses: Responses where you support the speaker
• Shift responses: Responses where you shift the attention to yourself

We suck at this

I know we suck at this because I have a lot of obscure interests and people suck at support responses with them 😢

Me: I love this kdrama so much!
Friend: I love TV shows too. Let me tell you why I love Severance.

That said, I know I'm no god at this either 😭😭

I'm definitely particularly sensitive to this on dates. I wish I could tell my dates, this is all you need to rizz me up! Just ask me questions goddammit.

This makes me sad

I theorize that there is less connection in the world because people aren't able to employ this tactic consistently enough.

I want you all to go out and change that ❤️

P.S. Severance is great.

Relevant from The Charisma Myth: