default solo vs. default social

tbh, being default social is uncomfortable for me.

being in-sync with others. saying yes to them. letting them into my life.

it means i relinquish control of my time and how i spend it. it means i need to coordinate with others and i need to make sacrifices for them.

and thing is, i enjoy my time alone. i was never available at first when i got roommates in July, because i was enjoying myself alone. i can be so happy listening to music by myself, or reading a book, watching a show, taking classes, pursuing my hobbies.

i also believe it's important to be comfortable alone. i wore it as a badge for a while. i generally choose self soothing over what's called co-regulating emotions with others (avoidant attachment style, baby 😂).

and i really do believe:

"All of humanity’s problems, stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone."
- Blaise Pascal

but despite all that.

despite all that, I do wonder. maybe living a life in rhythm with friends and family is more fulfilling and more meaningful.

• looking back on shared memories instead of memories alone
• laughing with friends instead of blissing out to music alone
• crying to a friend instead of journaling white-knuckled alone

i want to say people don't matter but they do.